So I was in the pool today doing my first 40 laps since december (which went very well I might add). I was thinking about life as I was on my 20th lap (funny thing to think about when one should focus on not drowning….) and I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend the night before. And If you don’t mind, I’d like to share what we were talking about.
I am a Pretnetious asshole.
Haha no thats not what we were talking about but that statement did arise during the conversation.
Now normally, even given just that one statement, one can only assume that this conversation was a heated angry debate on this and that and who knows what. But on the contrary, it really wasn’t bad. This friend (whom I will not name) was comparing her photos with another persons photos. This person happened to be in our photography class, had, with much respect and constructive criticism, incredibly mediocre photos. My friend has said that this persons photos were better than hers and I told her to forget about it and that his photos were complete shit compared to what she can do, even if she was a beginner. And I don’t know somewhere or how it happened, but she said that I had dashed her dreams because since she though her photos were worse than this persons and I thought that that persons photos were complete shit, naturally through linear deduction she though her photos were even worse now. I told her she was crazy because there is a fineline between her photos and this persons. This persons photos were of crushed cans on a sidewalk for god sakes and her photo was of a row of pidgeons sitting on a hand rail. I thought that was brilliant because it really has some social commentary to it and some sort of intrinsic deeper meaning. The other was of crushed cans, only able to evoke the idea that this person thinks that they are making a social commentary when in truth, they are not. Then she said she had low self esteem. That got me.
That was what generally happened and not entirely the reason I am posting this load of codswollop (like that? english slang. lol) I’d like to focus on this idea of self esteem. Everyone has it, yet no one does. Does that make any sense? Well to a degree of course it does! We all live with an illusion of self respect, yet do anyone of us at any given time really have a true sense of self respect? Of course, but by means of general populace, not alot do.
I proved an example that I find beneficial as food for thought at the very least.
I am a pretentious asshole. My personality often contrives either the qualities or the negatives of others. I can be over analytical, slightly neurotic, and extremely critical given the circumstances (as in my many posts you can see that with all the “fucks” and “assholes” and all that thrown around). But what people see as a negative in me I see as a quality. Sure, not a social quality, but a quality of identity. Does that make any sense? well its a little difficult to comprehend I know, I mean shit, I’ve been thinking about all that since the car crash, but in the end, it all makes sense to me.
Look at it this way: Is the man (or woman) who believes he is happy, but truly isnt, happier than the man that knows he is unhappy and strives to change that? The man who is unhappy.
I believe that self esteem stems from identity as with many things I believe in. I believe that identity is the root to all happiness. Why? Acceptance. When we accept who we are (like I am a pretentious asshole and I accept that) we can find that through these negatives we think are negatives, we can find some piece of positive truth within it all. Psychology defies all physical science just to let you know.
I may be a pretentious asshole and that is a sore negative, but I use it to make people realize that they are not safe with themselves. I judge and I correct and I criticize to make people realize that their shit is really not the shit. That their life is a safety net made of razor wires. That without realization, they are waiting in the middle of the street for that speeding car to strike them at 35 miles per hour. In that, I find pride in myself because I believe that I can, if not only a little, make a difference in the world and the people around me. People may find this reason to hate me, but when and if they begin to understand why I am the way I am, they will find a new understanding and perhaps follow in its stead.
Self esteem comes from acceptance, but where does acceptance come from? The same way. Criticism. Self criticism. When we look at ourselves and find that we are a perfect being, we are nothing more than shadows and dust on a dusty road, for that is an illusion and none of it is truly existing. Looking deep into our flaws, or vices, we can see that we are not perfect and then, we can strive to change ourselves. Baby steps or moon steps, it doesn’t matter. As long as we all make that one effort to fix the way we are, we are benefiting ourselves in ways we cannot imagine.
Honestly, I had it easy. Being hit by that car was an immediate wake up call. Not many others living in safety net society get that chance. We all strive for safety. Safety from what? An impending disaster that is bound to happen? No! Wake yourselves up now before you have to meet fate head on at 35 mph.
No one has the right to say they have low self esteem. You want low self esteem? Die and be reincarnated in a third world country. Then you’ll know low self esteem. Not just low self esteem, abject poverty, impending death at every corner of where you step. We in safety net society refuse to awknowledge whole heartedly that we are far luckier then the blokes 7000 miles away in africa or bangladesh. And sadly, I think that is a flaw that everyone in safety net society shares. There is not one single person on the face of america that has done that, not me, not you, not anyone. I believe that is something we cannot change, HOWEVER, what we can do is better ourselves through awknowledging that ideal. Sure we all can’t go out on the streets and live the pious life like thoreau and live the pious life of awknowledgement. But what we can do is look upon that death and abject poverty that others face and tell ourselves “Do I have a true reason to have low self esteem? Is death waiting for me around a corner to the point where I have no will to live and no esteem for my self?” Of course you dont. You don’t have a reason. Don’t try to give that “My parents hate me. My girlfriend hates me. My dog hates me.” shit. Because incase you haven’t notice, they may hate you, but they do not want to kill you. Others who have done nothing to deserve what they deserve, have a hatred and blood lust hovering over them that cannot be satiated.
So today, where is your self esteem? What reason can you give me that is ligitamately reasonable? You can’t give me a reason because you have none. Therefore, why waste your breath? Go out today, look at yourself and the world, bask in the beauty that is the life that you are blessed with, and stop giving yourself a reason to put yourself down and out. I told this to that friend I was talking to: “When life gives you lemons, you throw rocks back at life.” Take on life as if it really wasn’t a fate controlled being, because if you try hard enough, you can change that shit that is dousing your fire. Put a lid on that bucket and go find yourself some more lighter fluid and matches, because you have no, I repeat, NO reason to let that fire go out.
cheers from sunny and mild san francisco.
