Home?

I’ve passed by other people’s blogs about home and what not and I just thought I’d throw out the polar commentary….I realized that home, though a beautiful thing, is ridiculous. I spent a grueling 4 weeks at home and I’ve never been happier to leave. Its not the nagging, its not the pressure, its the feeling I get when I’m home….a sort of hostile energy from my parents, my family, my friends, from the bowels of the city that I’ve grown to dislike so much to the point where the only thing I enjoy about Milpitas is my visits to my teachers, the darkroom, and the clouds int he sky. Every time I head on home, I always have to tell myself “Man, these clouds are beautiful. I’m gonna miss them.”

…..

Can you believe that? Can you really believe that the only beauty I find is from the clouds of my city? I sometimes question myself about that…that I can’t find any (or do not wish to) find beauty in anything else about where I spend 18 years growing up (or realizing that I needed to Grow up) than the clouds in the sky?

I hear the commentary of how parents tell their children they love them…how home is somehow a comforting bastion of safety from a cruel and unendurable world. Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is not the case for some homes isn’t it? I mean there are extremes and moderations and mildnesses in that case…but where I come from I feel that it sits in the moderate. No no no, please don’t take me for a “boo fucking hoo look at me and my sad life.” No no no, I’ve had a safe and well thought out childhood, something that many can only dream of having and I am truly thankful for that, yet are we speaking in aesthetics or the role that that well thought out childhood derived from? Well, for sure as fucking high hell that childhood was not methodically derived from love…or at least that aesthetic love that we know that is tried and true…that whole tell your children you love them or show them the decency of respect that an upbringing should be considered true in.

So where does this hate for my home come from? I don’t know and I honestly and truly do not give a flying fuck.  I think the strength of oneself in a sort of inbetweener situation as I comes from trying not to understand. I honestly ask sometimes why my parents don’t respect me or show me kindness and love? I understand (dont get me wrong, I completely understand) that it is sort of that indirect coaxing of love through behind the scenes actions and such…however isn’t it more effective to outright show one’s offspring that you truly love and care for them but, oh I don’t know, actualyl showing that they love and care for them?

I realize I am whining like some high school emo girl right now, but its not too much to ask for at the very least simply mutual respect from my parents that are my role models? Its sort of a strange irony as well….I hate the way my parents brought me up, yet I find them my role models? Kind of fucked up if you ask me.

haha I just answered my question of why I hate being at home…funny enough its because of my parents.

But by and by, I am still grateful for my parents, my family, my friends, my home, and the truth that is my life. Beggars can’t be choosers and life is a given privilege and i guess i dont find myself in much of a position to complain.

cheers from cold and fucking rainy San Francisco.

Eh whatever

I probably should be studying but i’m spazzing out (well in my head at least) to some trance by DJ Tiesto (excellent music i might add!) and my mind is just rolling along with the beat in a manner that i do not appreciate in terms of focusing.

But anyway…judging by the ticking days i dont have much time left in terms of school or anything… i feel a little caught off guard by it all….shit is it really half of a year in college already? rather quick i might add and i’m a little worried that next semester will be just as equally short….well not that worried at least.

so i headed home this weekend…sort of an impromptu visit that kicked me out of the studying groove (as you can probably see…) but its nice to be home again…i was home a week ago but that didnt count so much because i spent like…2 minutes actually in the house. but thats besides the point. i may have mentioned this somewhere before but i’d like to say it again: i think that there is no greater place in the world then home. Then again home is where the heart is…but you can never throw away the place where your family is. Home will always, in the end, be wherever one’s family is.

haha yes a bit random but i’d just like to throw that out.

anyway i dont think i have much else to say right now because i cant seem to keep in focus with something i want to talk about so i think i’ll digress…

how bout some facts?

its been 5 weeks since i had a burger. i had a burger friday and it was fantastic

its been about 3 to 4 weeks since i’ve made a photo.

its been greater than 5 weeks since i drew something.

i am in the creativity crap-hole right now. i need to do something creative soon or i’ll die.

ah but i have been trying to keep some creativity by writing haikus! i think i might have mentioned that before in the last post.

here’s todays:                                                                                                                                                                                                  “Beaded Glass Rolling.

The Heat Bickers with The Cold,

Frozen in Fire.”