It’s been a while since I blogged something like this.
I skimmed passed Xenia’s newest blog post (titled “Why do people get married?”) and I read the first sentence. She said that she learned a lot from doing research papers and then I realized…”whoa…no way…she’s right!” You do learn very much through doing mandatory research for papers.
But anyway, on topic, I have an informative speech due in like…2 days (and admittedly, I am pretty stoked about doing it but also very nervous!) And I chose to represent the Buddhist Philosophical culture for my topic.
I’ve always known a thing or two about Buddhist philosophy (After taking Philosophy 101 with my fantastic professor prof. Dupen. AWESOME and brilliant professor) but after doing some deep research (books and internet mind you)….I’ve come to realize something more about myself.
The teachings of the Venerable Buddha have explained to his followers to shed Pride, Vanity, Sloth, Gluttony. You realize these are all human aspects? Shedding these and realizing that the world is not about the individual, but is a symbiosis of worlds interconnected will lead one to the path of enlightenment.
I’ve learned and understood the non-individual part…but the problem is, I can’t seem to kick my way past the first carnal rule: Shedding pride.
I can’t seem to shake this pride from myself.
I was looking through a friend’s facebook and they had a quote that one of their friends says and it went something like “Why are there seagulls here? We don’t live near the sea! We live near the bay! They should be called ‘Bagels.’” (Bay-gulls = bagels)
Honestly, I think that everyone can find humor in this “joke”….but in the end, I found it nothing less than stupid. I immediately thought this guy who said this was a complete idiot.
And that leads me to the point about myself. I’ve realized that, yes, I am a pretentious asshole…but honestly, I never realized how much of a pride-coupled, fucking pretentious super asshole I could be.
I’ve found that college is suppose to be an experience of meeting people one’s own age…perhaps meeting people that one can relate to. And the sad thing is, I can’t seem to find one single person my age that I can relate to in terms of just…well, likeness! Sure there are people that share one quality that I look for (artistic or open mined or philosophical or etc) But there is not one single person that I can honestly say that I can have a comfortable conversation with about politics, philosophy, art, life, and beauty.
Haha I know, I know. Who really wants to actually discuss politics, art, life, beauty, and philosophy? Hardly dinner conversation right? “How can you compare an Empiricist point of view to the Kantian Ethical laws of universality?!” (Oh if any of you understood that and could make a pretty valid retort, I’m amazed. Its basic philosophical concepts, but since when is philosophy ever basic?) That’s just one example….hell I could talk about how the temperature of the water could control the outcome of a fibre based print, or how under exposing by greater than 3 stops can cause an image to flare out beyond allowable (2 stops + or – is the limit for exposing) measures.
But honestly, I can’t relate that to anyone. I’ve tried to have a conversation with a friend about the political state of China, but the return was, well, not what I was hoping for.
Is it pride? Is it that, after that car hit me and I found a means of waking up, that I morphed into a seeming know it all that cannot find joy in discussing why seagulls are not called bagels because we live in the bay area? That I can’t have a conversation about how awesome one of the aspiring american idols are? That I can’t find humor in people making childish remarks at each other?
It’s strange…I mean honestly its not that I have a superiority complex or anything…its really…well I can’t seem to connect with anyone my age on any level, and I do wish that it wasn’t like that. One can only go so far in life with philosophy and art as companions…but when life is devoid of human intimacy (friends, lovers) we find that its cold and lonely trek to the other side of the world, and that is something I definitely do not want to happen.
But then again, am I really putting myself in a position of change to bring myself, my ideas, my thought processes, down to a level of meager childish eventfulness that has nothing to offer constructively but prancing around, thinking life is good and that college is fun?
It’s hard to say because who are we to determine what is good and what is bad? For all I know, the way that I am is an ideal state, but then again, it could also be a vice. Same goes around for actually acting my age, not some 25 year old mystic philosopher hippie traveler.
I look back sometimes on my past connections with people…and its funny to see how these connections have broken due to the fact that I see myself as well as other people in such a differently light, as people and as perceptive human beings. We are all perceptive in our own way, but it is dependent upon the degree of which we allow ourselves to be exposed to this perceptiveness. To be so perceptive is to see everything, know everything, and make a clear judgment based on that. I feel that I have gone too far with my perceptiveness, scrutinizing and analyzing everything to the last degree, only to conclude and realize that there is nothing particularly morally correct about what I am perceiving. That what I am observing and judging is a fellow human that I have deemed a redundant, regular 1st world human who has the world perception of a pea because his/her life is so good, and I don’t mean to say that with malice or any other form of hatred. It’s just the way it is.
But my thoughts on this…..well I definitely disagree and am saddened by my current position of being so removed from what I could enjoy as an 18 year old…but then again I am also happy that I have removed myself from that because, since I already know all that I know and I like to think that it is beyond much of what people my age enjoy thinking about (you should have seen my philosophy class…..out of a class of 3o, only like….4 people contributed to intellectually stimulating conversations including myself. Those others that did try to participate flew so far off the given points it was…well….whatever.), it gives me a sort of pride within myself to have so further advanced myself from the redundancy of common teenage angst and social society….and if I further integrated myself into that style with the intent of desperation to make friends…well I realize that would be demeaning to myself and would do injustice to all that I have striven to learn from my strides through life.
When we bring about hardship upon ourselves for petty desires…well that makes us less of what we are. To me, friendship seems like a petty desire when it is with people that I cannot find any connection with (people that…all they want to do is sit around and stare at walls, waiting for things to happen) and I don’t want to have 1000 friends whom, when I am around, all I want to do is get away. That 1 friend who I can find a reversed mirror of ideas…someone who believes and contradicts and fights and argues against my own ideas, one topic after another….that, to me is a friend worth having.
Don’t get me wrong, honestly, what few remaining friends I have, they are truly beautiful people in their own right. I am not saying they are any less than I am. We are just on different levels of ideas and thoughts and I just can’t find a connection anywhere.
Its hard for me to say these things without seeming like a complete prick…but well, it is the way I feel about myself and the situation I am in. Its hard to be 18, but to find no joy in sitting at parties or sitting at get togethers that amount to nothing but laughing at childish jokes (no no no, stupid jokes are totally different and those are things I love. I’m talking childish jokes) and doing nothing but staring at the ground, waiting for something to happen. I cannot tell you how many times I have taken a 30 minute drive down to State only to leave an hour later because there is nothing to do and it was not worth standing around, doing nothing.
Well…..that sorta all I have to say about that really….. I feel lost about it and I’d like for this abject and totally self conceived loneliness to end soon…
I’d like to meet good people who have an open, constructive, beautiful mind…someone who shares similar vices, similar strengths.
I have high hopes about summer where I will try to get a job at a music store…chances are I could meet someone cool to hang out with….some person that I can feel a bond of friendship with.
Cheers from dark and windy san francisco.
First of all, can I hear your Buddhist speech?
And second, sorry to disappoint you with my inexperience in politics, art, life, beauty, and philosophy. I wish I was able to connect with you on a more intellectual level. You seem more selective about who you choose as friends, however, just because someone can’t be the kind of person you hope they are… someone with a similar mindset, doesn’t mean you can’t “feel a bond of friendship with.”
Though you say you are a uh, pretentious asshole, I really don’t think you are. I mean, when I first met you, I didn’t really understand your personality so I did think of you as somewhat of a jerk. However, in the last six or seven months since I’ve met you, I feel like I’ve gotten to know you better and I don’t think your actions come off as “pretentious asshole”-worthy. Dzu, you have a really good heart.
And I have high respect for you because your maturity and your ability to say something deeper than making pointless jokes. I think of you as a really close friend and I hope that you can think of me as a close friend too, even with my childish level of thinking.
I wish I could help you talk about all those things. I’d actually be quite interested, but you’d have to talk through what some things mean. Maybe one day we should go talk about Socrates theory of the Forms. It’s still confusing but I think I get what he believes the Forms are. You sound like Socrates. You come off as a prick, but don’t mean to. You just question. You can be MY Socrates!! Haha
I totally posted a comment and it didn’t send!! That pisses me off!! I wish I could talk all those things you wish to talk about. I mean I could, but when it comes to philosophy you’re going to have to explain some things like the Forms, if you were to ever bring that up. I think I kind of have an idea of what Socrates’ theory of the forms is, but then again it’s suppose to be out of our knowledge’s grasp. We could talk about how beauty comes in many different forms and how in peoples’ minds, concepts are different. When you say you sometimes come off as a prick, that made me think of Socrates cause he came off as a jerk that seemed to cross-examine people. You’re my new day Socrates haha.
Hey buddy,
You probably don’t check this anymore, but I feel like I should say something. It’s taken a long time for me to come to the realization that you, out of everyone I met at State, might be one of the closest friends I’ve made in my 19 years of life. While I don’t know everything there is to know about politics, philosophy, and the millions of other things that you somehow managed to retain, I feel like we do have some different sort of connection that might make our friendship not as shallow as 90% of the friendships that I’ve managed to make so far.
You’re not the only silent one staring at the ground at parties, Dzubear! I know, I know – you might’ve not felt that I have any sort of depth to me so far, but I don’t feel that you’ve given me a fair shot. It might’ve just been our surroundings, huh? I feel like this last year at State was spent with people I didn’t have much of a genuine connection with, and with me wondering where the other people like me were. Is that how you felt too? Like you were always looking for someone like you to relate to. I thought I was just going crazy and expecting too much
This comment box makes my font tiny and I can’t really see what I’ve written or if any of it makes any sense, so I’m just going to end it there. The next time I see you though, we should talk – really talk.
Miss you Dzu!
Here here. I can’t believe you’re 18. I’m 25 and I’m sort of recently dealing with similar issues, largely because I quit drinking. And it’s not so much academic or intellectual superiority. It’s just I feel horribly disconnected with the people around me. I was linked to this post from my last one interestingly enough. Nice post and good luck.