Perhaps Perception Is Misconception

It’s been a while since I’ve come back here…since march huh? I was really only pulled back here because sarah happened to post a comment on the latest one.

I took the chance to read it again and I realized…no that’s not how I am nor how I feel. I do not feel a sense of superiority over people. I do not feel that we are all designed to attribute only once sense to a system; we are not designed to talk only of philosophy when we only love philosophy. The whole thing I wrote is a joke, a wavering uncertainty of an adolescent 1 year younger than now.

I was thinking about buddhism again and the state of enlightenment. To percieve and to understand is the absolute goal: the key to unlocking the gates to Nirvana. What worries me about the specifics of that philosophy is that it is also unobjective in nature. How can one percieve one thing to understand? Is there not multiple viewpoints, multiple ways to percieve a single object? If I look at it as a rock, can I look at it as just mearly a rock? Most certainly but it can also be percieved as a weapon, a tool, a means of creating light, a means of sharpening weapons, even a philosophical entity that describes the fastidious and the strong. However, which of those is it that we percieve it as? Does the state of enlightenment mean that we mearly observe it just by those descriptions? Well no because if that is so, then there is no absolute understanding since it can be percieved as 10,000 different things! Attaining enlightenment in any facet is a difficult thing, no less to even scratch the surface of.

But my point is that perhaps we misconcieve something when we percieve it in some ways. One may see the state of human nature and call it good or bad. Disagreement ensues and we have a conflict. But I find that in conflict there is a certain unimaginable beauty that it can, in itself, concieve. Sure drinking may be bad, but some of the greatest poetry was written when the author was drunk out of his mind. Sure people can be mundane and generally stupid when percieved by those full of knowledge. But then we realize that without mundane and stupid, there would be no smart and intellect.

So I find myself back where I began. Questioning the meaningful and the meaningless. Does friendship, companionship, and anything else that ends with -ship really matter to me? Of course. But then I realize that the nature of everyone is not the same.  We cannot all be Kantian, Socratic, Einsteinian intellects. But what we can be is human. What we can be is understanding beings thirsting for the knowledge of the cogs, sprockets, and springs of our reality. Without the cogs, the clock will not work. If you have a cog but no sprocket: same thing. I realize that I may be a cog, but I cannot attatch myself to another cog: it just doesn’t work. I need a sprocket. And though the sprocket may not share my same ideals, shape, and design, it is no less important to the grand scheme of things.

My point is that I find myself…different then from what I wrote before. We can’t find mirror images of ourselves and realize that is now not what I want to find. Certain ideals cannot be brought to light without the aid of another vision and perhaps searching for another vision with the ideal of myself just isn’t going to work.

So yes. Seagulls in the bay area can be called “Baygulls” for all I care. It doesn’t have to be philosophic. It can be as simple as that.

The Vices of Pride

It’s been a while since I blogged something like this.

I skimmed passed Xenia’s newest blog post (titled “Why do people get married?”) and I read the first sentence. She said that she learned a lot from doing research papers and then I realized…”whoa…no way…she’s right!” You do learn very much through doing mandatory research for papers.

But anyway, on topic, I have an informative speech due in like…2 days (and admittedly, I am pretty stoked about doing it but also very nervous!) And I chose to represent the Buddhist Philosophical culture for my topic.

I’ve always known a thing or two about Buddhist philosophy (After taking Philosophy 101 with my fantastic professor prof. Dupen. AWESOME and brilliant professor) but after doing some deep research (books and internet mind you)….I’ve come to realize something more about myself.

The teachings of the Venerable Buddha have explained to his followers to shed Pride, Vanity, Sloth, Gluttony. You realize these are all human aspects? Shedding these and realizing that the world is not about the individual, but is a symbiosis of worlds interconnected will lead one to the path of enlightenment.

I’ve learned and understood the non-individual part…but the problem is, I can’t seem to kick my way past the first carnal rule: Shedding pride.

I can’t seem to shake this pride from myself.

I was looking through a friend’s facebook and they had a quote that one of their friends says and it went something like “Why are there seagulls here? We don’t live near the sea! We live near the bay! They should be called ‘Bagels.’” (Bay-gulls = bagels)

Honestly, I think that everyone can find humor in this “joke”….but in the end, I found it nothing less than stupid. I immediately thought this guy who said this was a complete idiot.

And that leads me to the point about myself. I’ve realized that, yes, I am a pretentious asshole…but honestly, I never realized how much of a pride-coupled, fucking pretentious super asshole I could be.

I’ve found that college is suppose to be an experience of meeting people one’s own age…perhaps meeting people that one can relate to. And the sad thing is, I can’t seem to find one single person my age that I can relate to in terms of just…well, likeness! Sure there are people that share one quality that I look for (artistic or open mined or philosophical or etc) But there is not one single person that I can honestly say that I can have a comfortable conversation with about politics, philosophy, art, life, and beauty.

Haha I know, I know. Who really wants to actually discuss politics, art, life, beauty, and philosophy? Hardly dinner conversation right? “How can you compare an Empiricist point of view to the Kantian Ethical laws of universality?!” (Oh if any of you understood that and could make a pretty valid retort, I’m amazed. Its basic philosophical concepts, but since when is philosophy ever basic?) That’s just one example….hell I could talk about how the temperature of the water could control the outcome of a fibre based print, or how under exposing by greater than 3 stops can cause an image to flare out beyond allowable (2 stops + or – is the limit for exposing) measures.

But honestly, I can’t relate that to anyone. I’ve tried to have a conversation with a friend about the political state of China, but the return was, well, not what I was hoping for.

Is it pride? Is it that, after that car hit me and I found a means of waking up, that I morphed into a seeming know it all that cannot find joy in discussing why seagulls are not called bagels because we live in the bay area? That I can’t have a conversation about how awesome one of the aspiring american idols are? That I can’t find humor in people making childish remarks at each other?

It’s strange…I mean honestly its not that I have a superiority complex or anything…its really…well I can’t seem to connect with anyone my age on any level, and I do wish that it wasn’t like that. One can only go so far in life with philosophy and art as companions…but when life is devoid of human intimacy (friends, lovers) we find that its cold and lonely trek to the other side of the world, and that is something I definitely do not want to happen.

But then again, am I really putting myself in a position of change to bring myself, my ideas, my thought processes, down to a level of meager childish eventfulness that has nothing to offer constructively but prancing around, thinking life is good and that college is fun?

It’s hard to say because who are we to determine what is good and what is bad? For all I know, the way that I am is an ideal state, but then again, it could also be a vice. Same goes around for actually acting my age, not some 25 year old mystic philosopher hippie traveler.

I look back sometimes on my past connections with people…and its funny to see how these connections have broken due to the fact that I see myself as well as other people in such a differently light, as people and as perceptive human beings. We are all perceptive in our own way, but it is dependent upon the degree of which we allow ourselves to be exposed to this perceptiveness. To be so perceptive is to see everything, know everything, and make a clear judgment based on that. I feel that I have gone too far with my perceptiveness, scrutinizing and analyzing everything to the last degree, only to conclude and realize that there is nothing particularly morally correct about what I am perceiving. That what I am observing and judging is a fellow human that I have deemed a redundant, regular 1st world human who has the world perception of a pea because his/her life is so good, and I don’t mean to say that with malice or any other form of hatred. It’s just the way it is.

But my thoughts on this…..well I definitely disagree and am saddened by my current position of being so removed from what I could enjoy as an 18 year old…but then again I am also happy that I have removed myself from that because, since I already know all that I know and I like to think that it is beyond much of what people my age enjoy thinking about (you should have seen my philosophy class…..out of a class of 3o, only like….4 people contributed to intellectually stimulating conversations including myself. Those others that did try to participate flew so far off the given points it was…well….whatever.), it gives me a sort of pride within myself to have so further advanced myself from the redundancy of common teenage angst and social society….and if I further integrated myself into that style with the intent of desperation to make friends…well I realize that would be demeaning to myself and would do injustice to all that I have striven to learn from my strides through life.

When we bring about hardship upon ourselves for petty desires…well that makes us less of what we are. To me, friendship seems like a petty desire when it is with people that I cannot find any connection with (people that…all they want to do is sit around and stare at walls, waiting for things to happen) and I don’t want to have 1000 friends whom, when I am around, all I want to do is get away. That 1 friend who I can find a reversed mirror of ideas…someone who believes and contradicts and fights and argues against my own ideas, one topic after another….that, to me is a friend worth having.

Don’t get me wrong, honestly, what few remaining friends I have, they are truly beautiful people in their own right. I am not saying they are any less than I am. We are just on different levels of ideas and thoughts and I just can’t find a connection anywhere.

Its hard for me to say these things without seeming like a complete prick…but well, it is the way I feel about myself and the situation I am in. Its hard to be 18, but to find no joy in sitting at parties or sitting at get togethers that amount to nothing but laughing at childish jokes (no no no, stupid jokes are totally different and those are things I love. I’m talking childish jokes) and doing nothing but staring at the ground, waiting for something to happen. I cannot tell you how many times I have taken a 30 minute drive down to State only to leave an hour later because there is nothing to do and it was not worth standing around, doing nothing.

Well…..that sorta all I have to say about that really….. I feel lost about it and I’d like for this abject and totally self conceived loneliness to end soon…

I’d like to meet good people who have an open, constructive, beautiful mind…someone who shares similar vices, similar strengths.

I have high hopes about summer where I will try to get a job at a music store…chances are I could meet someone cool to hang out with….some person that I can feel a bond of friendship with.

Cheers from dark and windy san francisco.

Why Do I have to Believe in a God that isn’t even real?

I….always have something to say about religion.

Haha good way to start off a blog post right? Well it wouldn’t be a blog by Dzu Nguyen if every now and again there wasn’t a blog about God, the perception of God, the ideal of God, and the farce that is God.

I was sitting in church yesterday (after neglecting it for 4 weeks pretty much) and thought about the congregation and how weak and flawed it is.

I mean, not just the congregation but also the entire system of Religion and the Church, especially Christianity.

Humanity has always glorified whatever is in the grandiose sense. Even if we must fabricate it, we always create something grandiose to glorify in…yet in reality we use this facade as a cover to truly glorify ourselves.

Let me make a bold statement and see if you agree:

Man is God.

That’s right. In the entire philosophical and psychological sense, Man is God.

I’m sure you all know this already but maybe have never thought about it or what not, but there is so much evidence that Man is God.

Who wrote the bible? Man. We claim that it is the word of God, but if it were the word of God, there’d be more evidence that it was from the mouth of God himself. Instead, we are given the empty, half assed  reassurances that we must have faith and believe that what they tell us is really true, that the Bible is the word of God. Sorry guys, not good enough for me.

Who even created the ideal of God? Man of course! I mean there is no argument there! Given in the Bible, all these miracles happened WITH or WITHOUT Jesus Christ. It is true that Jesus was the vessel of God’s word, but even without Jesus, there were miracles (Noah’s flood, etc). So, where are the miracles today? I hardly see God reasoning that “Oh, man doesn’t need God anymore.” up in the high heavens there. If a God were to reign supreme among his creations, he must continually make his presence known for all the non-believers out there (ala me.) Besides, we are doing things that are for God’s doing only, thus elevating our positions from man to God in a rapid and rather constructive way. So if God were to be really there, I think that even he would see that as a threat and smite all of our technology and advancement.

So, where is this smiting?

However advance we humans are, we always have that weakness of disbelief within what is provided. We refuse to search for the answers to the unanswered and instead blame it upon a God that is non existent. We are weak willed, refusing to believe in our own choices, putting it blindly into the hands of something that doesn’t exist, a fabrication of our minds.

I think that as smart as we are, we are incredibly stupid as well. Jesus and Muhammad were not of divine origin, instead they were just like you and me. Instead, they were much smarter than we were then and smarter than we are now. They were philosophers of their given beliefs, not mouth pieces for a God or an Allah that doesn’t exist. Where I place Jesus is not the Son of God. He is a philosopher on the lines of Socrates, which does not mean I do not respect him. I love Jesus as much as I love Socrates. Muhammad I think I would have to say the same.

You see, religion is a device to exploit the people. I mean, when you have over half the world following you, who would not want to exploit that to reach whatever means we want? I mean, all the pope has to do is speak some holy words and he’s making more money than people who honestly work for their living. The irony is that Christianity and Islam are religions, but they are stricken with lies and false words.

My philosophy professor went into religion for a day or two and he explained that the pure origins of religion were to preach love and tolerance to people. Look what it has been bastardized into today. Alms collecting, false words, rules of how to live, hierarchies that leave the common believer far below those who are in actuality suppose to be serving us. In Islam, we have people dying in the name of Allah when in reality they are using that as a facade for their own weak human beliefs. Its ridiculous and I’m sorry that no one can see through that filth of indoctrination fabricated by the blind greedy desires of man to see what pure religion is: attaining an ideal state of purity with your fellow man, loving and coexisting with them as well as the rest of the world. Too bad we all can’t see that.

Shadows On the Sun

Anyway……

So recently I borrowed “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy (The guy who wrote No Country For Old Men now turned into a pretty good Academy Award winning film), and I have to tell you guys….this book gives me the chills everytime I read it.

To sum it up without spoiling a ton of shit for you guys, its a story of a nameless pair: Father and Son, traveling across a post apocalyptic wasteland where an unnamed catastrophic event has destroyed all that remains, leaving nothing but crumbs and embers of what was civilization, and the “adventures” they have while traveling….if you could call them adventures. Its more like, terrifying events that happen across the proverbial hell they are traveling across.

What I really like about this book is that McCarthy adds alot of social commentary, or at least philisophical commentary if not social, throughout the story. The travels of the father and son are marred with gruesome events that many people would not dream of ever wanting to see…and its strange because its incredibly compelling.

We read post apocalyptic fiction hoping for a story about survivors kicking ass and taking names, zombies being blown to smithereens by bands of courageous surviviors looking for the last vestige of the holy human race to make a final stand before they make impossibly concieved strides to reclaim the world from the grasps of this unamed malice. However in this story, we realize that all of these truths are nullified and that this is a different sort of post apocalyptic fiction. This type of fiction takes a much more melancholy route, bagging on the philosophies and terrors of surviving and the ever present hedgehog’s dilemma of two choices we should never, ever have to make: Life or Death? In a word devoid of life besides marauding bandits waiting to kill and feast on whoever they lay their eyes on, is there a reason to go on? Should we submit to death before we reach an ever inevitable fate anyway? We never question this and rightly so because we never have to, but this theme is now as real to this father and son as the apocalyptic ash and fallout that drifts across the long and terrible road that they travel upon.

Once again, I think that this is a bit of commentary on our views and perspectives changed after an enormous and sudden rapture. We live in such safe society that, when all that has changed or has been so suddenly seized from us, our transformed nature begins to show after these events. I think it even provides a notion of even hope for hummanity. We are so foolish, yet with the example of the father and son, we still have that primal truth of survival embedded within the very core of our existence, more so amplified by the father and son’s will for survival. We also, with much hope, see that even ethics can survive in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Everything we know has blown away, our primal nature from the beginning of time has shown itself a worthy means of survival….yet when the father and son see thousands of people locked naked in a basment, waiting to be devoured, we see that the purity of the child and the aegis-like nature of the father draw away from this temptation when the son states “we’ll never eat people right?” and the father says “we will never.”He even goes on to proclaim that “we are the keepers of the flame,” an even more inspiring sense of hope in his drawn and tired words. Even when near defeat by starvation, they’re ethical resolve remains resolute, scraping by through other means rather than succumbing to the temptation of this self destructive act.

Though I have not completed the book, I can surmise all the above I’ve written as a rather quintessential theme to the book, that survival bears our true nature, yet in a sense, it is also the marker in time where we decide where we stand on the sides of survival, death or life. In the end, with the written words and proverbial spells that Cormac McCarthy bombards us with in this book, the ethical matters, the melancholy truths, the everpresent inspiration of something called “hope” in a hopeless land, we can now assume that we are all but metaphorical Shadows on the Sun, secondary to a greater scheme of things in life that determine what and who we are.

Cue dramatic and Inspiring Ensemble

So I was in the pool today doing my first 40 laps since december (which went very well I might add). I was thinking about life as I was on my 20th lap (funny thing to think about when one should focus on not drowning….) and I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend the night before. And If you don’t mind, I’d like to share what we were talking about.

I am a Pretnetious asshole.

Haha no thats not what we were talking about but that statement did arise during the conversation.

Now normally, even given just that one statement, one can only assume that this conversation was a heated angry debate on this and that and who knows what. But on the contrary, it really wasn’t bad. This friend (whom I will not name) was comparing her photos with another persons photos. This person happened to be in our photography class, had, with much respect and constructive criticism, incredibly mediocre photos. My friend has said that this persons photos were better than hers and I told her to forget about it and that his photos were complete shit compared to what she can do, even if she was a beginner. And I don’t know somewhere or how it happened, but she said that I had dashed her dreams because since she though her photos were worse than this persons and I thought that that persons photos were complete shit, naturally through linear deduction she though her photos were even worse now. I told her she was crazy because there is a fineline between her photos and this persons. This persons photos were of crushed cans on a sidewalk for god sakes and her photo was of a row of pidgeons sitting on a hand rail. I thought that was brilliant because it really has some social commentary to it and some sort of intrinsic deeper meaning. The other was of crushed cans, only able to evoke the idea that this person thinks that they are making a social commentary when in truth, they are not. Then she said she had low self esteem. That got me.

That was what generally happened and not entirely the reason I am posting this load of codswollop (like that? english slang. lol) I’d like to focus on this idea of self esteem. Everyone has it, yet no one does. Does that make any sense? Well to a degree of course it does! We all live with an illusion of self respect, yet do anyone of us at any given time really have a true sense of self respect? Of course, but by means of general populace, not alot do.

I proved an example that I find beneficial as food for thought at the very least.

I am a pretentious asshole. My personality often contrives either the qualities or the negatives of others. I can be over analytical, slightly neurotic, and extremely critical given the circumstances (as in my many posts you can see that with all the “fucks” and “assholes” and all that thrown around). But what people see as a negative in me I see as a quality. Sure, not a social quality, but a quality of identity. Does that make any sense? well its a little difficult to comprehend I know, I mean shit, I’ve been thinking about all that since the car crash, but in the end, it all makes sense to me.

Look at it this way: Is the man (or woman) who believes he is happy, but truly isnt, happier than the man that knows he is unhappy and strives to change that? The man who is unhappy.

I believe that self esteem stems from identity as with many things I believe in. I believe that identity is the root to all happiness. Why? Acceptance. When we accept who we are (like I am a pretentious asshole and I accept that) we can find that through these negatives we think are negatives, we can find some piece of positive truth within it all. Psychology defies all physical science just to let you know.

I may be a pretentious asshole and that is a sore negative, but I use it to make people realize that they are not safe with themselves. I judge and I correct and I criticize to make people realize that their shit is really not the shit. That their life is a safety net made of razor wires. That without realization, they are waiting in the middle of the street for that speeding car to strike them at 35 miles per hour. In that, I find pride in myself because I believe that I can, if not only a little, make a difference in the world and the people around me. People may find this reason to hate me, but when and if they begin to understand why I am the way I am, they will find a new understanding and perhaps follow in its stead.

Self esteem comes from acceptance, but where does acceptance come from? The same way. Criticism. Self criticism. When we look at ourselves and find that we are a perfect being, we are nothing more than shadows and dust on a dusty road, for that is an illusion and none of it is truly existing. Looking deep into our flaws, or vices, we can see that we are not perfect and then, we can strive to change ourselves. Baby steps or moon steps, it doesn’t matter. As long as we all make that one effort to fix the way we are, we are benefiting ourselves in ways we cannot imagine.

Honestly, I had it easy. Being hit by that car was an immediate wake up call. Not many others living in safety net society get that chance. We all strive for safety. Safety from what? An impending disaster that is bound to happen? No! Wake yourselves up now before you have to meet fate head on at 35 mph.

No one has the right to say they have low self esteem. You want low self esteem? Die and be reincarnated in a third world country. Then you’ll know low self esteem. Not just low self esteem, abject poverty, impending death at every corner of where you step. We in safety net society refuse to awknowledge whole heartedly that we are far luckier then the blokes 7000 miles away in africa or bangladesh. And sadly, I think that is a flaw that everyone in safety net society shares. There is not one single person on the face of america that has done that, not me, not you, not anyone. I believe that is something we cannot change, HOWEVER, what we can do is better ourselves through awknowledging that ideal. Sure we all can’t go out on the streets and live the pious life like thoreau and live the pious life of awknowledgement. But what we can do is look upon that death and abject poverty that others face and tell ourselves “Do I have a true reason to have low self esteem? Is death waiting for me around a corner to the point where I have no will to live and no esteem for my self?” Of course you dont. You don’t have a reason. Don’t try to give that “My parents hate me. My girlfriend hates me. My dog hates me.” shit. Because incase you haven’t notice, they may hate you, but they do not want to kill you. Others who have done nothing to deserve what they deserve, have a hatred and blood lust hovering over them that cannot be satiated.

So today, where is your self esteem? What reason can you give me that is ligitamately reasonable? You can’t give me a reason because you have none. Therefore, why waste your breath? Go out today, look at yourself and the world, bask in the beauty that is the life that you are blessed with, and stop giving yourself a reason to put yourself down and out. I told this to that friend I was talking to: “When life gives you lemons, you throw rocks back at life.” Take on life as if it really wasn’t a fate controlled being, because if you try hard enough, you can change that shit that is dousing your fire. Put a lid on that bucket and go find yourself some more lighter fluid and matches, because you have no, I repeat, NO reason to let that fire go out.

cheers from sunny and mild san francisco.

VARRENTINES!

Thats how Japanese people would say it because they can’t pronounce their L’s. But aside from that……

So, we find ourselves at the threshold once again at another materialistic, consumeristic, and Social Convention-istic time in the year…..Thats right, VARRENTINES.

I read through a friends blog (Whitney) and read her post. It was about the article she wrote for the Union newspaper back in our 06-07 year. And I have to say that I really completely agree. Statistics from across the United States state that Valentines Day has perhaps the highest rate of concentrated suicides throughout the year. And that got me thinking, all sensitivity aside:

What the fuck are you idiots thinking?

Come the fuck on and wake the fuck up. You are really going to waste 17-18 years of your life because you feel lonely on one miserable, godforsaken day? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. From me, you are not going to get a pat on the shoulder and comforting words such as “I’m sorry you’re feeling terrible.” or “Its okay, I’m really lonely too!” No, none of that. You’re going to get a “What the FUCK were/are you thinking?”

I do apologize for that because it was truly insensitive, but I like to think that I am speaking the hard truth with the above rant. Grow up. Realize that you’re life is not worth one day of materialistic suicide. Ask yourself, are you really going to die for one day you feel absolutely despairingly lonely? No, it makes absolutely no sense at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you all must know is that Valentines is not a day focused upon bringing about misery to us single folks. Valentines is the celebration of the ideal of human connection through the means of love. That means the love between your fellow human beings, your brothers and sisters of all shades of colors. Valentines day is not a day of lust, chocolate, or despair of being single. Valentines day is a day to express humanity and the ultimate, human unique idea that is love. No animal in the world shares this common ideal except us humans. We are the only one’s who understand this concept of love, so we take this day, this evolution of a day, to give thanks to creation for allowing us to understand this concept of love. We express our gratitude to our fellow man by celebrating love with each other. It does not mean one has to get into a relationship and elope, but it can be as easy as shaking hands or giving a hug to someone to communicate this idea of human relation and the love that we share amongst each other.

SO!

I entreat everyone: look past this materialistic day. See it for what it really is. A day of love. A day of gratitude. A day of thankfulness to our fellow man. A day of conveying and communing this concept of love to our neighbors. By all means, share chocolates and cards and music and love and all that. But just remember that tomorrow is not about relationships and love, but the concept of love and society and that ever present link they share in our world today. So lets go out there tomorrow, happy and proud of who we are, and show some real love to everyone out there be it woman, man, or beast. Lets just show some love.

A New Idea Of Love

Who’d of thought that there was only one way of loving right? I mean sure in the end, its really just love that is love…however there are so many ways to approach it huh?

So I finished watching “Paris Je t’aime” and I really came to the conclusion that it is truly a fantastic film.

We all know that Paris is the city of love…but who’d of that it really was the city of love? From this film, there are 18 different ways to express this ideal of love in Paris alone (I doubt anywhere else really…) Love between enemies, Love between illicit drug dealings, Love expressed by mimes, Love of a mother who cannot let go of her child, Love of a low income mother, Love for the oddly strange (vampires?!), Love existing in cemeteries….off the top of the my head from what I remember. Its interesting because even I have never thought of such clever ways to express love like this movie has. All 18 directors are truly brilliant with a very creative state of mind. The soundtrack is superb. Its not overly done like Yann Tiersen did for the “Amelie” soundtrack which serves to heavily display French culture through sound, but instead this film has a score that is subtle, not heavy on any particular instrument but we understand that it is all there (the light accordions in the background, the strings [violins, cellos, etc) serving as the base of sound) and in the end it really comes together with fine tuned composition and execution.

Over all, I can’t say anything bad about this film. There was one part I skipped over but I realized it wasn’t important anyway. I believe my favorite sub story was the 10e Arrondissement “Faubourg Saint-Denis” story…..It was a story that really hit home for me because it really exemplifies the stages of love between anyone, even between a young actress and a young blind man. Plus natalie portman stars in it so thats mad bonus for me.

Anyway, I definitely recommend Everyone to make a point to see this film. It’s a truly hopeless romantic film, yet it does hold some solid state of truth about love and its structuring, its variety, and its uniqueness in every case in life. Absolute winner. Watch it, for you won’t regret it.

Cheers from sunny (well during the day at least) San Francisco

35mph Revisted

Today I was unintentionally reminded of they day that I lost my life.

haha sounds dramatic but Its sort of true in a sense. I was talking to a friend about that day that I was struck by a car and how in a sense I had lost my life…..

I feel that those days are coming back to me in an uncanny sort of way…the fact that I, in the grand scheme of things, still really do not know who I am. I like to think that I do when I reaffirm my beliefs, spell things on this blog with proper capital letters, my self psychoanalysis, and all of that other shit that I do on here.

But again, I was reminded again today that couples with the question: Do I really know who I am?

A friend had suffered a severe (but non fatal or with severe repercussions in anyway) accident while rock climbing with me, andy, and another mutual friend on the day that I wrote that sob story blog below there and, given that I was already having a bad day, this accident really sent me over the edge in the emotional sense. I suppose it was selfish of me to feel very cold about the whole thing (the mutual friend today very bluntly put it out there that I was acting a complete douche) but in all honesty….I really couldn’t help it. I was tired, I wanted this week to end, I had a study plan that I had set for that day (climb until 6 or something, study for the rest of the evening and get alot done so I can head home and hang out with my family. Instead we hung around the hospital till 8 or so then I managed to get back home by 10…cutting way short study plans and turning events to the point where im here now writing this). I felt my only refuge was that plan I had set because it was the one and only thing that I could have controlled the outcome of for this entire terrible week….but funny enough it didn’t work out. And while a friend was dangerously hurt, I, being selfish, could only think about how shitty I was and how because of this terrible event, that I could not even make that one little thing work out properly. Was it too much to ask?

And that question really kills me because if I said yes, that meant I didn’t respect myself because I couldn’t respect myself enough to realize I had duties that had to be fulfilled, instead putting others ahead of myself. If I answered no, then I would be stuck in the polar dilemma, respecting myself too much to worry about others.

I feel that throws me in some sort of a terrible identity crisis now….I’m left at the thresh hold of asking myself: Is this really me? In what case is this me anyway? Am I this caring fool that puts everyone else above me, or am I the selfish fool who could not even be gratified with one part of the day where I could live the absolute truth of being able to study? And its really confusing because I like to think that I am not selfish, yet did ask for the night to follow the way it did? No, heavens no! But unforeseeable circumstances always arise when least expected…and I feel betrayed by fate.

I believe in Karma. The day before I had helped an old man who dropped some of his papers and stuff on the wet pavement. He was really old so he had a rough time bending over to pick up his stuff, so I thought it a good deed to help him and I did. But for some reason, Karma decided to not see that and instead bless me with two horrific days to add to an already terrible week. And in the end, I’m not so sure how I should feel. I want to feel betrayed, but I also want to feel as if I knew that shit happens and brush it off, worrying about the now instead of the past or the outcome….yet I can’t seem to choose which one.

And so right now, I feel as if I don’t know myself. I don’t know the person before that car accident nor do I know the person after the car accident. I’ve reached an ethical and moral standoff against myself and there’s only two ways in the fork road: Do I exist for myself or Do I exist for others?

I don’t know, I can’t put my finger on it and no matter how much I’d like to deny it, the mutual friend who told me I was a douche was probably right. Funny thing is, I feel as if I’ve known that for quite some time and I wonder if I should change it. If I change myself for others, I am nothing more thank a faker trying to please the world. Yet if I don’t change, I’ll be the selfish prig cast aside by the world. And neither of which I want to be.

It’s a hard deal really and I’m writing this out without a specific conclusion about anything I say here…cause I write this out with the intent of getting these questions off my chest. I know for damn sure I’ll never be able to answer it. So as for identity, I know who I am….but from the social standpoint, I’m as confused about myself as a dog looking into a mirror.

Cheers from San Francisco

Home?

I’ve passed by other people’s blogs about home and what not and I just thought I’d throw out the polar commentary….I realized that home, though a beautiful thing, is ridiculous. I spent a grueling 4 weeks at home and I’ve never been happier to leave. Its not the nagging, its not the pressure, its the feeling I get when I’m home….a sort of hostile energy from my parents, my family, my friends, from the bowels of the city that I’ve grown to dislike so much to the point where the only thing I enjoy about Milpitas is my visits to my teachers, the darkroom, and the clouds int he sky. Every time I head on home, I always have to tell myself “Man, these clouds are beautiful. I’m gonna miss them.”

…..

Can you believe that? Can you really believe that the only beauty I find is from the clouds of my city? I sometimes question myself about that…that I can’t find any (or do not wish to) find beauty in anything else about where I spend 18 years growing up (or realizing that I needed to Grow up) than the clouds in the sky?

I hear the commentary of how parents tell their children they love them…how home is somehow a comforting bastion of safety from a cruel and unendurable world. Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is not the case for some homes isn’t it? I mean there are extremes and moderations and mildnesses in that case…but where I come from I feel that it sits in the moderate. No no no, please don’t take me for a “boo fucking hoo look at me and my sad life.” No no no, I’ve had a safe and well thought out childhood, something that many can only dream of having and I am truly thankful for that, yet are we speaking in aesthetics or the role that that well thought out childhood derived from? Well, for sure as fucking high hell that childhood was not methodically derived from love…or at least that aesthetic love that we know that is tried and true…that whole tell your children you love them or show them the decency of respect that an upbringing should be considered true in.

So where does this hate for my home come from? I don’t know and I honestly and truly do not give a flying fuck.  I think the strength of oneself in a sort of inbetweener situation as I comes from trying not to understand. I honestly ask sometimes why my parents don’t respect me or show me kindness and love? I understand (dont get me wrong, I completely understand) that it is sort of that indirect coaxing of love through behind the scenes actions and such…however isn’t it more effective to outright show one’s offspring that you truly love and care for them but, oh I don’t know, actualyl showing that they love and care for them?

I realize I am whining like some high school emo girl right now, but its not too much to ask for at the very least simply mutual respect from my parents that are my role models? Its sort of a strange irony as well….I hate the way my parents brought me up, yet I find them my role models? Kind of fucked up if you ask me.

haha I just answered my question of why I hate being at home…funny enough its because of my parents.

But by and by, I am still grateful for my parents, my family, my friends, my home, and the truth that is my life. Beggars can’t be choosers and life is a given privilege and i guess i dont find myself in much of a position to complain.

cheers from cold and fucking rainy San Francisco.

Mad Awesome Cookies

Nothing special in this post. Just Photos of my mad awesome cookies.

yea booiee